I wake up and a tidal wave of fear falls upon me. I sit still as the waves become smaller and smaller and I try to clear my mind and think positive. Throughout the day I know that same wave will wash over me, my stomach will be full of fear, it is a horrible feeling and I wish I could control it, but I can't.
I was doing so well, so positive of the outcome, which is my goal, until Kev and I, while driving to the dump together(In times like this being close to Kev brings me such comfort.) received a call from Gracie, the cancer center coordinator. She had been the one two days before to call with the invasive ductal carcinoma title for my cancer. On this call she had the markers for me; triple negative, the worse kind. Worse because if you are estrogen/progesterone positive then they have drugs to stop those receptors thereby not allowing new cancer to grow. My cancer is roque cells that just mutate, they are aggressive, mine is a 9 out of 9 on one and an 8 out of 9 on the other, they grow fast and spread quickly. She and I had laughed in the first conversation about how I wanted positive on the markers and she agreed that I def didn't want neg. This conversation she was very sorry, but didn't want me to wait until Monday to hear the bad news. I wish she had. She also stated that the dr may want to chemo first before mastectomies due to the type of cancer it was. I just want them off and I want to know if there are cells in the lymph nodes.
(I just got this message from my niece Michelle "Okay, you got a crappy diagnosis. You're stubborn. You can kick some cancer ASS. Sounds like chemo might start next week. It won't be fun, but you'll get through it".). I love it and I love her.
Lisa Martin sent me a txt today that her and Glenn have sat down together and prayed for me last night and this morning. Susan Burke got Bill and all her family on the phone to pray together. I am so blessed.
The hardest part was telling Kellan, Kev had already told Keaton, I was very upbeat because I knew it would be hard on him, and he cried and cried. I wish I could stop his worry.
It is not that I am afraid of dying so much, as it is that I will lose out on these years with Kev and the boys. I would not be a part of their memories from my death forward. I have worked really hard to enjoy these years of fruit and I always said I don't want to be like Denny who died at my age and missed out on so much.
Also yesterday, Kasey called me. She is a friend from K through high school, that has helped me through both uterine cancer and covid. She is very "new age", but I trust her in many things. With my uterine cancer she told me that Denise was watching over me and wouldn't let me die and that I would live to old age. With Covid she made me let go of the fear and again told me I would love a long life. This time she told me that I have many paths and I must choose to live. We spoke about my creativity and how I need to use it to get better. She stated that she has always had a connection with me in which she can see some parts of me and my family. She stated that my dad is always near Kellan watching and guiding him, wether he is flying an airplane or working on the bus. She wants me to see a healer which brings anxiety, because I would have to travel there, the expense and I am not sure it would help, although a part of me is so hopeful that it might. She pinpointed Kev, Shar, etc to a T however. She made me feel like I could do this, empowered me and for awhile I felt great, until that fear set in again.
She gave me two things, to see the healer, and to start painting and being creative again, she told me to also see the joy in all things to "replace everything with JOY always...because miracles live on JOY."
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