Have been waiting for the bone scan and ct scan to come back, so I can get on with dealing just with the breast cancer.  Of course, something else had to enter the picture.  The bone scan came back clear, the ct scan came back all clear, except for a spot on my colon.  At first the nurse told me the radiologist had put that it could be poop.  Then I got a call from another nurse that the dr wanted to get a colonoscopy to make sure.  I panicked because a similar thing happened last time I had uterine, they stated that colon cancer could be connected and that since my father and grandfather had colon cancer that I was at risk.  

I called Teena, the drs assistant, and she understand my concern.  She spoke with the dr this morning and he put in the referral with my surgeon, the same one that did my port, which I found so interesting.  She called me this afternoon and I shouldn't have asked questions cuz it scared me more.  She read what the radiologist had stated that it was a different image then any of the other areas of the colon, but could be poop.  She stated that it could be nothing, it could be a pre cancerous polyp, it could be breast cancer, it could be colon cancer.

I find it unlikely to be breast cancer as I would think it would show up somewhere else first, and I just had a colonoscopy four years ago, so even if it is colon cancer it can't be bad.   

I don't want it to be breast cancer.  

She was honest so as not to get my hopes up, but I wish I didn't know.

She stated that the dr had done it first thing in the morning, but didn't seem too concerned about it.  

I will call Monday and see if I can get a colonoscopy next week, because it has to be done at the end of my chemo cycle and if not then I will have to wait two more weeks.  She said it was not urgent, but to me it is.  I need to focus on getting through the chemo and such and not other things.  

First Chemo

 Yesterday morning Kev and I were at the hospital at 645 for a heart echo. I was scared when she needed to insert an iv and get a better picture of things as I was worried she found something wrong, but she assured me it had to do with not seeing a clear picture because of my breast tissue and such.  She stated they do it on about sixty percent of patients and as I left she said good luck at your chemo today, which made me think all was clear.

Went to see Teena who walked us through the whole cancer book, what to expect, etc.  She then walked me to the chemo room upstair, Kev had to stay behind on this due to Covid.  It is a nice open room with individual cubbies with a chair that lays back.  Usually they will access your port, take a blood sample which takes an hour to analyze, so you go back to the drs office and see him why you wait, or you just hang out.  When the blood work comes back good, you are give two bags of nausea medicine in your port and then the first chemo, which is bright red and is pushed through two large syringes.  During this you have to suck on ice chips so that sores don't form in you mouth.  Then the last bag takes thirty minutes and you are done.  

Once home, I went through a bunch of things.  My head felt like it had a vice pushing it, my body felt like it was so heavy.  I felt like I needed to eat something because I was nauseas , so I ate a third of one of the burritos Keaton brought me and then my stomach hurt so.  I had a period that I was so cold, I could barely handle it, especially my toes.  I took an edible and climbed into bed at 730.  I then had a period where I couldn't swallow.  Luckily all these things lasted a certain amount of time and where gone.  I slept through the night.  

I hear however the worse is yet to come, today I just feel shaky, but should become nauseous in the next couple days.  I plan on taking it easy.

One of the four worse down, 15 more in all to go.  

Keaton Takes Another Step.

 Friday Keaton flew to California so that on Saturday he could fly with Mark and get his CFI.  I am so proud of him.  He studied hard and is ready to be a flight instructor, he seems to have a real knack for it and really enjoys it.  I told him like I did as a teacher, I went to school, passed all the tests, but I didn't know how to teach until I got in there and actually did it.  He was exhausted, I think partly because he is worried about me.  

He knows that I like to have people around when I have anxiety, so he made sure he could pick up the Bonanza, which is in calif for maintenance first thing this morning and be home before nightfall.  Also the sweetest thing is that even being exhausted after the all day test, he went to Juanitas, my favorite fast food in calif, bought me a bunch of burritos and froze them to bring to me.  I love that boy so much.  

Also I had a bone scan on Thursday,  I felt like God had it as that came clearly to me, but still I was scared.  I had to get radioactive dye in my vein and then go back three hours later.  The young man who did the scan had a breast cancer symbol tattoo for his mother and we spoke a lot about different things.  He new I was scared and as I left after the test, he stated that "You are going to do awesome." I took that as a good omen and that perhaps he had seen nothing.  

That night at five Dr Allen called to give me the good news, negative.  He also said I shouldn't be worried about the CT scan on Tuesday because he was confident it was clear.  I have to have an MRI on my breast to make sure it is two tumors or one.  

Tomorrow starts chemo.........

A Busy Week.

 What a whirlwind my life has been lately.

This week we met with the surgeon, Dr. DuTar, and we loved him.  Much more well spoken than our oncologist and super caring. (I also learned he is one of four brothers all doctors in CDA, a nurse at the hospital whispered "Catholic" to me smiling as she told me how much he is respected." He said some very important things.

The two most important was that my cancer is curable, and that he would be very very surprised if it has spread yet.  Since it has only been ten months since my last mammogram that and told me I had done everything right.  As you can imagine, this had me on cloud nine.  However, I will still be nervous until the CAT scan and bone scan come back.  

He also stated that he and Dr. Allen. my oncologist, are in connection at all times and in fact all the surgeons and all the oncologists get together one day a week and go over each persons case to make sure that everyone agrees on course of treatment and how it is progressing.  

In fact he had just had a conversation with Dr. Allen about me and within it they had obviously discussed my wanting a double mastectomy.  We had felt the reluctance with Dr. Allen about it, but Dr. D put it in perspective.  He gave us the history of breast cancer, how they started by taking off everything down to the bone, then how they realized they could leave the muscle, then how they only needed to test the first lymph node, etc.  He stated the statistics that a double mastectomy is at great risk of infection, etc, then the chance of reoccurrence and that they would be very vigilante on keeping an eye on if it grew back and if it did then they would do a mastectomy.  He stated that if it was his wife he would not want to put her through the mastectomy.  I have five months to think about it and talk with Kev.

Then yesterday I saw him again as he put in my port, if only chemo would be as surgery is.  Everyone here is very caring and nice, when I went to leave my nurse gave me a big hug even in this time of covid.  The surgery went like clockwork and Karen Snow dropped me off and picked me up. The dr placed my port so that if I wear low cut things it will be hidden, lol like that is going to happen, The tail of the port sneaks up my neck and into my jugular. It feels like a bad kink in my neck and was sore last night but keeps getting better.  

This morning I was up early to hit the hospital by 745 so that I could bet some radioactive material in my bloodstream.  I must wait three hours and return for the bone scan.  I am at the wellness bar having gluten free avocado toast and a sugarless smoothie..... the new me.  

 Keaton leaves today and Kev returns on Sunday so just a couple days on my own,  Usually I would love it, but in this state of mind, I love having someone around.  But Kev went to California to get check rides done that he already had scheduled so he could be home on Monday when I have a heart echo and start my first round of chemo.  First four rounds are every other week because they are very strong, so eight weeks in all, then twelve weeks of weekly chemo.  I am already counting down.  

Tuesday is CAT scan.  When they come back negative I will be much better.

Then Wednesday we are suppose to leave for Alpine with Karen and Steve.  We are suppose to stay at  a guest house, the Farm House, of a Lances.  I am scared because I hear one day after chemo may be very bad, but that it is different for each, and I am worried about that.  But it is Kevins birthday weekend and he is so excited for us to go and thinks it will be good for me.  I can't disappoint him.  

By the way, Kev has stepped up so much during this.  He is the one reading the two inch think book the dr gave us.  I told him I don't want to know everything, it scares me.  So he reads all about the side effects and then if I get one, he will tell me it is a side effect.  He is on the ball with coming with me to appointments and asking questions and getting info.  I love him so much.  In fact I am going to tell Teena the oncology nurse if it is bad new, call Kev so he can tell me.  

 Met with the dr last night, he spent over two hours with us.  He said five months(16 sessions) of chemo, then surgery then radiation, but that is usually a good outcome.  I may not need radiation, but her thinks that the two tumors could be one which would bump me into the next category which means radiation.  This is the only breast cancer that they don't have alternative therapies for besides chemo, which may be why some people say it is the worse.  Luckily chemo works well. 

I have to get tests this week and a port and hopefully will start Monday.  He said the chemo should shrink the tumor almost completely or maybe all the way.  He will do genetic testing just because the two cancers.

He says I don't have to have a mastectomy if I don't want, but can should I.  Or if the genetic testing comes back bad, then I may have to.  

No hair on at 21 days, Shelly says it would be her honor to shave it. It will be a rough road but I will take it over the alternative.

Surgeon today at 130, have to a get a port.  

 Today is mothers day, however I celebrated yesterday by having all the boys home and Amber coming over.  It was a joyous occasion.  They left early this morning the three boys; Trevor, Kellan and Keaton flying the Bonanza down to S. Calif. to get the airplanes annual done.  Trevor will stay a week with his family and then come back up. Keaton will be home tomorrow and Kellan will go straight to Seattle.  

I woke up to streamers on my kitchen lights, a banner across the opening to the kitchen and decorations hanging from my antler chandelier, plus a gift of a candle, holder and a wonderful card.  They did good.

Also spoke with MossY's friend who's a radiologist and he lessened my load somewhat.  He said that this cancer is very survivable, but I will have have a very hard time.  I can do that if I will survive. He also said we should get a second opinion at a well known facility.  Kevin is researching our dr with whom we have an appt, and the cancer center, he also called a couple friends to ask their opinion.  Shelly spoke with her friend a dr and he stated the same thing that it is survivable, but tough.  

Saturday May 8th

 I wake up and a tidal wave of fear falls upon me.  I sit still as the waves become smaller and smaller and I try to clear my mind and think positive.  Throughout the day I know that same wave will wash over me, my stomach will be full of fear, it is a horrible feeling and I wish I could control it, but I can't.  

I was doing so well, so positive of the outcome, which is my goal, until Kev and I, while driving to the dump together(In times like this being close to Kev brings me such comfort.) received a call from Gracie, the cancer center coordinator.  She had been the one two days before to call with the invasive ductal carcinoma title for my cancer.  On this call she had the markers for me; triple negative, the worse kind.  Worse because if you are estrogen/progesterone positive then they have drugs to stop those receptors thereby not allowing new cancer to grow.  My cancer is roque cells that just mutate, they are aggressive, mine is a 9 out of 9 on one and an 8 out of 9 on the other, they grow fast and spread quickly.  She and I had laughed in the first conversation about how I wanted positive on the markers and she agreed that I def didn't want neg.  This conversation she was very sorry, but didn't want me to wait until Monday to hear the bad news.  I wish she had. She also stated that the dr may want to chemo first before mastectomies due to the type of cancer it was.  I just want them off and I want to know if there are cells in the lymph nodes.  

(I just got this message from my niece Michelle "Okay, you got a crappy diagnosis. You're stubborn.  You can kick some cancer ASS.  Sounds like chemo might start next week.  It won't be fun, but you'll get through it".). I love it and I love her.

Lisa Martin sent me a txt today that her and Glenn have sat down together and prayed for me last night and this morning.  Susan Burke got Bill and all her family on the phone to pray together.  I am so blessed.

The hardest part was telling Kellan, Kev had already told Keaton,  I was very upbeat because I knew it would be hard on him, and he cried and cried. I wish I could stop his worry.

It is not that I am afraid of dying so much, as it is that I will lose out on these years with Kev and the boys.  I would not be a part of their memories from my death forward.  I have worked really hard to enjoy these years of fruit and I always said I don't want to be like Denny who died at my age and missed out on so much.  

Also yesterday, Kasey called me.  She is a friend from K through high school, that has helped me through both uterine cancer and covid.  She is very "new age", but I trust her in many things.  With my uterine cancer she told me that Denise was watching over me and wouldn't let me die and that I would live to old age.  With Covid she made me let go of the fear and again told me I would love a long life.  This time she told me that I have many paths and I must choose to live.  We spoke about my creativity and how I need to use it to get better.  She stated that she has always had a connection with me in which she can see some parts of me and my family.  She stated that my dad is always near Kellan watching and guiding him, wether he is flying an airplane or working on the bus.  She wants me to see a healer which brings anxiety, because I would have to travel there, the expense and I am not sure it would help, although a part of me is so hopeful that it might.  She pinpointed Kev, Shar, etc to a T however.  She made me feel like I could do this, empowered me and for awhile I felt great, until that fear set in again.  

She gave me two things, to see the healer, and to start painting and being creative again, she told me to also see the joy in all things to "replace everything with JOY always...because miracles live on JOY."

Well....

 Four years ago I was very lucky, after several blood transfusions due to uncontrolled bleeding, my new ob/gyn stated that I needed a hysterectomy.  The day after the surgery I found out that they had found uterine cancer in the pathology.  I waited seven weeks to heal and to have a mammogram, which came back suspicious but after more testing was fine, and colonoscopy which was clean.  I then went back in to have the lymph nodes removed to check for cancer cells and they were all clear. I was so lucky and blessed, they had caught it early and my oncologist told me that I would not die from uterine cancer.

Last week I scratched an itch on my left breast and felt something.  After some probing I realized I had a lump.  I called my dr and amazingly got in the next morning. As soon as Dr. Bertsch felt it she told me that she was glad I came in.  My worry began.

I called for an appt the next day for a mammogram/sonogram and was told 12 days.  I called my dr back to ask if that was ok and she was not.  She called and got me in on Monday, four days later.  During the mammogram/sonogram it was apparent something was wrong.  I sat waiting after the mammogram quite awhile as the dr looked it over.  Every time my technician came by she would not look at me.  I was placed in a special sonogram room where another tech spent a great deal of time getting the info.  When finished she went out and came back quickly with the radiologist who told me that he thought I had cancer and that I had not one lump but two.  One close to the skin on the top and one all the way at the bottom.  He stated I had a 70% chance of cancer but his mannerisms and statements insinuated it was just a formality.  

When I got tot he car, I immediately called the coordinator to set up an appt for the biopsies and the radiologist had already texted her.  She put my appt for Thursday and I asked if their was any way to get it sooner.  she was able to move some people around and called me later that afternoon, she had gotten me in at 11 the next day.

I was not worried about the biopsy, I just wanted it done.  The sonogram tech for it was Kristen and she was so kind.  The dr came in numbed the area on the surface and then deeper, cut a slit in the skin, placed a needle into the tumor, put another part into the needle and a click was heard as a sample was taken, then he placed a titanium pellet in the tumor so that a surgeon could be guided by it.  He then did the second the same way,(although he overshot the pellet and had to do it again).  When speaking with Kristen she told me that I would get results in 48 to 72 hours, and that it indeed had grown fast since it was only ten months ago I had had a mammogram, and that as the dr says breast cancer is a survivors cancer, and several other things that made me also realize they thought it was cancer.  

My worry is that this is related to my uterine cancer and that I will be stage four.  I want to be positive and need to be, but I worry that this time of life, that I have waited so long for; time with Kev where we can enjoy life together will be cut short.  My sister died at my age from lung cancer.  I am not ready.  

Today or tomorrow I will find out what type it is and hopefully soon can get in to see a oncologist to see what the plan of action is.  

I am very very scared.