A Broken Dream

Today while having lunch with my mom and husband, a joyful reunion took place at the table across from us. An older couple had sat down a few minutes before and a group of woman, obviously on their lunch break began to walk by. All of a sudden one lite up like a Christmas tree and sat next to the older woman of the couple. Gasps, hugs, and joyful giggles ensued. Turns out that the granddaughter had stumbled across her grandparents having lunch, a surprise to all of them. Amid their joyous reunion, my heart crumbled.

I grew up with a very close family, my grandparents lived 20 min away and were a intregal part of our lives. They came weekly to help with fixing things around the house, my dad was rarely home, they came for sunday dinner, and to our school events and activities. Some of my fondest memories are spending the night at their house and waking up in their antique beds, layered with quilts and listening to the birds. My grandfather passed away when I was younger, so my grandmother became even more important. She was the unconditional love, for even though my mother was also, hers included boundaries, rules, expectations. My Grandmothers did not. She was the one who bought me pencils, paints and canvas' for Christmas because she believed I was an incredible artist. I felt so special when I was with her, what an amazing gift. I always tried to show her my love by doing small things for her. One time I found a card with violets on it that reminded me of her, they were her favorite flower. On the other side of the picture I had written how much I appreciated her and how I loved her more than she loved violets. She loved the card, but was upset that she couldn't frame it and the sentiment, so she had a frame made with glass on either side. Another time I saved up to buy her some flowers and agonized over a traditional bouquet or one that used flowers to make a poodle. I chose the poodle and still remember how she cried when she thanked me for them. When the flowers started to wither and die, she went to the hobby store and bought faux blooms to replace them, so that she could keep my gift alive. Whenever I am in a hard spot, I pray to her, my guardian angel, in death just like she was in life.

When my oldest was born, there was no question on who would help me out when I worked. My mom became the MiMi from heaven. I would drop him off early on a Saturday morning and when I got back five hours later she would have a smile of contentment on her face that equaled none. Sometimes she would give him a bath, feed him, and play with him. Other times I would find her in the same position I left her, holding a sleeping baby and being very content. When a second son was born, she and my dad tagged teamed. She took care of the baby, and it was his turn to bond with Kellan. They built things, my dad taught Kellan responsibility and how to fix things, and as got older the talks the two of them had were the highlight of dads days, and I think Kellan felt the same. When my dad lay dying Kellan rushed to his side and they argued over a physics problem Kellan had, and as the time grew near Kellan placed his hand inside his grandfathers and the love between them was almost unbearable. Although my youngest did not have the same experiences with his grandfather, I try to point out the ways they are alike, so he too might feel the unconditional love my parents provided.

I loved being a mother, I waited many years to be one and I put my heart and soul into it, However I knew my time was limited, for it is my job to raise my children so that they can become their own independent people. But it was ok, because I knew the next phase of my life would be even more fulfilling. I had seen it with my grandmother and my mom, being a grandmother was way better than being a mom, for you got to raise them up without worrying about the boundaries, you got to spoil them with no thought as to the affect. I was so looking forward to this period of my life. What I did not take into consideration however, was that my son would not feel the same way. For although he and I have always been so close and he has always appreciated the family he has, he is also one who is easily molded, I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I always thought I knew the type of person he would pick to spend the rest of his life with. Someone like his friends who call me second mom, who I can talk with for hours and who I rejoice with when lifes milestones are met. Although not a done deal, he is putting his efforts into a nice girl, who has a family of her own that lives far away. I am sure she has the same feelings for them as I assumed Kellan has for his, thus she has made it very clear that she will be raising her children near them. She has made it a point to tell me this when Kellan is not around, and even her mother has expressed to me that this is what will happen. Kellan has conveyed to me that he will not be living in her hometime to raise children because he does not think it is a good environment, however she has created avenues that lead no where but there and he does not have issue being a part of their family, while she does not have the same ability, due to her personality, to do the same with ours.

So as I sat and watched the grandparents and their granddaughter my heart crumbled because I realized the unlikelihood of my dream of a similar event ever coming to fruition. It is hard when your dreams lie not in your hands, but in those of another, I am hoping prayers to my guardian angel, my grandmother will help.