Fear of Change

Maintaining my nightly ritual, I stuck my head in my older sons room to wish him good night and to tell him I love him, only to find his room empty. My heart sank. Not because I was worried that he was stolen by some twisted religious fanatic, that is not my worrying style, nor did the thought that he might have snuck out ever cross my mind, that is just not his style, but because I realized in just a few short months an empty room is what I would encounter every night when he lived in a college dorm several states away. Sadness overwelmed me. I contemplated a life without one of my best friends being there on a daily basis. How would life be different without him here? Was he ready be on his own? Was I ready for him to be on his own? Had I done every thing I could to help him succeed?

His open window alerted me to the fact that something was out of the ordinary and as I moved toward it I saw my son reflected in it's dark pane. He had climbed out onto the patio roof and was engulfed in his favorite blanket with his iPad on his lap. It reminded me of when he was little and sick with chicken pox. He spent several days on the couch cacooned in a quilt with a bowl of ice cream on his lap.

When I questioned why he was out there, he swept his hand across the vista in front of him; including our house, the back yard and the beautifully lighted valley below us.

"I'm just thinking that soon this will not be a part of my daily life. In fact it may never be a part of life ever again.".

Sticking the top half of my body out the window with my head twisted so that I could look him eye to eye. I asked him why he was thinking that. As we dug deeper his fears began to surface.

"What if I don't fit in at college? Am I ready? What if I don't succeed in school, in life, in......," he questioned?

Basically he was telling me he was scared. And I quickly realized that fear was also the emotion that I was dealing with. Fear of change, of the unknown, of the future.

As I helped calmed his fears I realized I was also calming my own.

"Change is good" I told him, "it means you(I) are growing and not staying stagnant." "You(I) have been preparing for this for years...." "You(I) are ready for this!"

As we spoke I began to see fear replaced with excitement and clarity. The pride and deep belief I have in him made me realize that if he can enter this next phase of his life with optimism and hope then so can I.

After telling my son goodnight and that I loved him I crept into bed where my husband slept. My jostling awoke him and knowing me so well, he sleepily tried to reassure me....

"Don't worry about him he will be ok."

And even though a few tears streamed down my face, I knew he was right, Kellan would be o.k., and so would I.