Fear is so depleting.

Yesterday, I had my three month, since I finished Keytruda, visit with my oncologist.  I went expecting blood work, which I already knew does not show anything for a breast cancer patient, and a breast exam.  But I also had a couple questions.  The first was that I have been having some terrible constant indigestion.  Bloating and burping, I have been taking some over the counter medications for it, but it is never anything I have had an issue with before and I wondered if it could have something to do with chemo, perhaps changing my digestion system somehow.  I have also had some nausea with it.  Dr. Allen stated that it was probably nothing, or perhaps due to my weight gain, but that he wanted to get an MRI done of the brain as it perhaps could be that the cancer had spread to the brain.  Me: down the rabbit hole.  

He also asked about my weight, I have gained 50-60 lbs since I finished the radiation treatment.  And no I haven't been as good as I could be.  Looking back, I vacantly got through the treatment. Kinda in limbo.  and then after, I still did not connect with myself, but continued in the same vein, but also adding in some old habits, such as doing things for others, not putting myself first.  I began to panic about this also.  I have gone through so much, and have been so blessed with all the positives.  My uterine cancer did not spread, my breast cancer was found early and I had a complete response.  But I realize I haven't learned enough, I did to put myself first and don't allow others to influence me.  We have had nonstop visitors for the last year and enough was enough, I do not want to do that anymore.  I also have taken on things, such as helping out at the thrift store and with Kristy and her hoarding, she also has wanted me to join her small group, something I didn't want to do, but still said yes.  I realize that I don't know how much time I have left and I want to spend it doing what I want.  I can help out one afternoon a week at the thrift and one morning at her house, but that is it, and no small group.  I also need to get back in touch with me and my body.  I need to lose weight in a way that I can maintain it, and I need to make me a priority.  

Then today, I went down the rabbit hole.  I have not researched anything regarding my TNBC, because I learned from my uterine.  However, I needed some information as Dr. Allen, tells me often, that I have TNBC and that it is very aggressive, quick to come back and .....  When I looked it up those are the words used to describe it.  It has the highest death rate and comes back quickly and deadly.  I thought I had a better outcome because mine was a complete response, in that they could not find any sign of cancer cells in my pathology.  However, Dr. Allen says that only gives me a small percentage better outcome and that the use of Keytruda bumps me up 10%.  Looking today, I found different statistics but that I have a 40% chance, may 30% chance of re-occurrence.  I researched hormonal breast cancer and it has a 98% cure rate and even HER2 breast cancer, which use to be the deadliest breast cancer until they found some treatments for it, now is considered curable, with little death associated with it.  Also, TNBC is usually found in younger women, under 40, and in ethnic groups such as blacks and Indians.  So why me.  Is it my weight, my stress level? As I read, I also learned that should TNBC re-occur, it usually first does it in the lungs.  First sign can be a cough.  I got a cold about 6 weeks ago from Kev, he never got a cough, then I gave the cold to Kristy and she never got a cough, I have had a cough ever since.  Although I have to say that it started off worse, but has slowly gotten better, now it is just a feeling that makes me cough.  I doubt it is anything too, but now I worry about it.  

I guess I am taking off the veil, I have been behind.  I have been so optimistic, but I also need to be realistic.  I am a twice cancer patient.  I am not sure what is causing it, my sister took very good care of herself, my parents where thin and healthy also, although they all three smoked, and they all got cancer, my dad was colon.  I need to take out the factors that I can prevent, such as weight, and should I have a reoccurrence, well I need to enjoy my life now, every minute and not worry so much about the future.  I can also hope that I live long enough to wait it out and have access to the new cancer drugs that are being tested as we speak.  And God, please let me live long enough so my grandchildren will know me and never forget me.  And please o'please let me love my children and my husband for as long as possible. 

But really why me?