Fear of Change

Maintaining my nightly ritual, I stuck my head in my older sons room to wish him good night and to tell him I love him, only to find his room empty. My heart sank. Not because I was worried that he was stolen by some twisted religious fanatic, that is not my worrying style, nor did the thought that he might have snuck out ever cross my mind, that is just not his style, but because I realized in just a few short months an empty room is what I would encounter every night when he lived in a college dorm several states away. Sadness overwelmed me. I contemplated a life without one of my best friends being there on a daily basis. How would life be different without him here? Was he ready be on his own? Was I ready for him to be on his own? Had I done every thing I could to help him succeed?

His open window alerted me to the fact that something was out of the ordinary and as I moved toward it I saw my son reflected in it's dark pane. He had climbed out onto the patio roof and was engulfed in his favorite blanket with his iPad on his lap. It reminded me of when he was little and sick with chicken pox. He spent several days on the couch cacooned in a quilt with a bowl of ice cream on his lap.

When I questioned why he was out there, he swept his hand across the vista in front of him; including our house, the back yard and the beautifully lighted valley below us.

"I'm just thinking that soon this will not be a part of my daily life. In fact it may never be a part of life ever again.".

Sticking the top half of my body out the window with my head twisted so that I could look him eye to eye. I asked him why he was thinking that. As we dug deeper his fears began to surface.

"What if I don't fit in at college? Am I ready? What if I don't succeed in school, in life, in......," he questioned?

Basically he was telling me he was scared. And I quickly realized that fear was also the emotion that I was dealing with. Fear of change, of the unknown, of the future.

As I helped calmed his fears I realized I was also calming my own.

"Change is good" I told him, "it means you(I) are growing and not staying stagnant." "You(I) have been preparing for this for years...." "You(I) are ready for this!"

As we spoke I began to see fear replaced with excitement and clarity. The pride and deep belief I have in him made me realize that if he can enter this next phase of his life with optimism and hope then so can I.

After telling my son goodnight and that I loved him I crept into bed where my husband slept. My jostling awoke him and knowing me so well, he sleepily tried to reassure me....

"Don't worry about him he will be ok."

And even though a few tears streamed down my face, I knew he was right, Kellan would be o.k., and so would I.

Full Circle!

As a baby, Kellan's MiMi would watch him while I worked. When I left him, my mom would be holding Kellan in her arms and when I returned, four hours later, she would be in the same spot, still holding him. Now it is his turn to hold her:)

The best part of my day........

This morning I awoke to the warmth of my little one, who like his father rises and sets with the sun, who was trying to get me up with kisses and cuddles. I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

After the hectic hour, since rising, that is filled with breakfast orders, backpack organization and lunches, I sat down to an empty house with my coffee and my list making iPad and in the silence I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

When my boys came home and the house is filled with laughter, and pranks from them and their friends, I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

When we sit down to a dinner of grilled salmon and homemade ravioli with mushroom sauce, and I look around the table to the faces of contentment from family, friends and even a new addition of a girlfriend, I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

As the day begins to end, and I hear my eleven year old and his father discussing the intricacies of flying, I find myself amazed that his young mind can even comprehend these things. Then I see the pride reflected in both their eyes and the sense of camaraderie emanating from them and I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.
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When the house is quiet and I think I am alone, my oldest comes down with an issue he has. A life lesson ensues, and I find myself speaking as one adult to another, I thought to myself that this is the best part of my day.

Lying in bed and re thinking the days events I realize that today, a day full of the usual, the norm, nothing out of the ordinary is the best kind of day!

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What makes you happy? What do you dream about? What makes you get up in the morning and keep doing what you do? What makes you feel most ALIVE?---Headless girl

Thank you Headless girl (and mom) for creating some questions that got me thinking too!

What makes me happy? Being together with my sons and husband, there is nothing like the warm fuzzies I feel when sitting on our old, mouse eaten couch watching anything on television with my three boys. Such a feeling of contentment that can only be felt and not described. As long as there is no arguing, I am perfectly content.

What do I dream about? My sons as grown men, who and what they will be. I also dream of the time my husband will find more time for us, when he finally will be able to relax and enjoy the life we have made. What my garden will be in full bloom; both as a metaphor for my family and literal as my summer garden starts to take root in my head. I also daydream about that children book I will write, the way my life will feel when everything is in place (of course that will never happen :) and my vision of what I want it to be.

What makes me get up in the morning and keep doing what I do? I have learned that at night when I go to bed I have to think of one project or event that I can look forward to working on or completing the next day. It may be cleaning a part of my house, creating something using my mind or my hands, it may be searching far and near for the perfect "whatyamacallit", whatever it is it will make me look forward to that day with arms wide open. Forget to plan this event and the dawning day can look dark and ominous.

What makes you feel most alive? Easy one.....Creating!!!!! Whenever I am creating, whether it be cooking, painting, writing, gardening, knitting, decorating, etc., I feel alive and connected to the core of who I am. My husband says each of us has our passion and that we must follow it to live a life fulfilling, my passion is creating and someday I hope to find out how I can make a living at it, lol.

The men in my life.

Today being Valentines Day has made me reflect on the different "love" styles as they relate to the men in my life:

My husband shows his love with gifts. He wants to shower me with riches and jewels. He saves and plans and instigates. I have learned this the hard way through twenty five years of marriage, by not appreciating the effort this takes and instead focusing on the cost or the impractibility of the gift........did you feel that lag in my typing? That is because I had to get up and answer the door for the bouquet of tulips that arrived (tulips being my favorite flower), even though we specially discussed it last night and I made him promise me NO FLOWERS!, I rest my case. My husband has learned a lot about me though the years, such as he knows I will huff and puff about the cost and impracticality of a gift and then turn around some time later to love it. The IPAD I now type on is one such example. He also has learned that my love language is one of service and thoughtfulness, so last night as we discussed the no flower rule he pulled out two scarves which he knows I love. Inexpensive, so to him not a real gift, yet thoughtful, so to me the best gift ever and that he saw them on a trip in advance of Valentines day and that he thought of me makes me warm and fuzzy.

My older son is all about showing the love. He is affectionate with hugs and kisses on a daily basis. He is the type that will greet you with open arms and come up behinds you and wrap his arms around you in a "just because" I love you hug. Several times a day I hear I love you with true warmth and sentiment. His openness and easy expression of his love is something that brings me joy every day.

My youngest son is just the opposite. Not only is he not openly affectionate, he hates any show of affection. An "I love you" to him is greeted with silence. Try to wrap your arms around him and he stiffens and tries to get away. Continue this type of unwanted assault and he will retaliate with a indignant "stop that". I guess that is why it is so sweet when he does show affection. Sitting on the couch I love the emotional warmth he gives me when he unexpectedly cuddles up beside me. Or the amazing feeling of his hand as it reaches for mine as we walk in a public place, it tickles me, dancing from connection to not, then back again.

I am blessed to have such different and unique love styles from the men in my life, my husbands love is like a fresh water pearl: unexpected and beautiful. My oldest sons is like a salt water pearl: consistent, smooth and perfect. My youngest son's love is like a black pearl: rare, yet breathtaking. Yes, truly blessed.

J

They still need their mothers.

Right now as I am sitting in the oral surgeons office, waiting for my eighteen year old to get his wisdom teeth out, I am reminded of so many times throughout the years that I have been in the same situation. Those long days sitting in the waiting room with a sick child trying to ease his fears about a shot or some unknown which the doctor might inflict upon him, or the times he has ended up in the emergency room with appendicitis, or stitches for a foot caught on a boat prop. As a mother my fears equal his, yet I am unable to show it because it is my job to ease his fears and walk him through it, so that he might gain the skills himself for the future.

Recently, knowing that he is a young man skilled in so many areas of his life and that he is quickly heading towards independence, I have found myself torn; glad on one hand that I have done my job well and sad on the other that my job is almost done. Today however, I realized that my job may be coming to an end, but that my role of mother is far from over. For today my sons eyes still searched for mine, just as he did years ago, when fear comes into the equation. When he was unsure of what is required or requested he referred to me to make the decisions. But most importantly, as I left him to the surgeon I gently touched his head, too old now to pull him on my lap and calm his fears, and I heard him sigh with relief.

I am proud that my son is turning into such an amazing man, yet glad that my simple touch still brings him such comfort.

Today I am blessed!!!!

I wonder sometimes if it us, our hormoneS, our brains, and our viewpoints that decide how we look at things or is the outside world that influences us most.

Today I have to assume it is us, or me to be more precise, because today, even though every thing is not peachy keen,(in fact far from it) I am happy.

My sister is struggling with the fact that her life might be shortened due to a cancer her body is fighting with all it's might, yet today I chose to overlook the fact that they found hot spots in her brain and that she will have radiation to eliminate them and instead I concentrate on the positive. The fact that it could be so much worse. They caught it early, it has not metastasized, she is young and her body can better fight it, and she will be around to welcome her first grandchild into the world:)Brings me hope for those days ahead.

Second I always worry about Keaton and today I am very at ease about him. Yesterday he went to a bday party with trepidation because they where going to Victoria Gardens, to walk around, something that makes him nervous because it is new. he had a blast and "laughed the whole time there". What was even more gratifying was the comments about Keaton from some of the parents at the BBQ afterward and the kids who he hung around with. They praised Keaton for his quick wit, his manners and his ability to make them laugh. The boys are ones from his soccer team a few years ago and are two to three years older then him, yet all I heard and saw from them was mutual respect and friendship. I have realized that I need to take keatons opinion more often. He knows the kids he fits in with and were he feels comfortable. Even though I know Keaton's I.Q. is high. I worry because of his inability to learn in the meaner that most kids do I worry that information we be lost to him. However I have seen how this week implementing the rigYht learning environment can allow Keaton to excel. I am so excited for his future and my abyility to see it clearly.

Lastly, today I got to spend some early morning time with Kellan as he got ready to go to the academic decathlon. Usually, it would make me realize how short amount of time we have together before he goes away to college. Today it just reminded me how lucky I have been to have him all these years. I enjoyed the fact that he still took my opinions to heart and was thankful for them. When he came home, he told me everything that occurred, just as he does everyday when he gets home from school, but sometimes I took take advantage of what a gift this is. Hearing him want to tell me all the details was like receiving a rare jewel. At the end he stated that his English teacher reminds him so much of me. When I asked him why he said she is smart, easy to talk to and a good listening and (this is Kellan) she is short.

Today I am so blessed.