The best part of my day........

This morning I awoke to the warmth of my little one, who like his father rises and sets with the sun, who was trying to get me up with kisses and cuddles. I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

After the hectic hour, since rising, that is filled with breakfast orders, backpack organization and lunches, I sat down to an empty house with my coffee and my list making iPad and in the silence I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

When my boys came home and the house is filled with laughter, and pranks from them and their friends, I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

When we sit down to a dinner of grilled salmon and homemade ravioli with mushroom sauce, and I look around the table to the faces of contentment from family, friends and even a new addition of a girlfriend, I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.

As the day begins to end, and I hear my eleven year old and his father discussing the intricacies of flying, I find myself amazed that his young mind can even comprehend these things. Then I see the pride reflected in both their eyes and the sense of camaraderie emanating from them and I thought to myself, this is the best part of my day.
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When the house is quiet and I think I am alone, my oldest comes down with an issue he has. A life lesson ensues, and I find myself speaking as one adult to another, I thought to myself that this is the best part of my day.

Lying in bed and re thinking the days events I realize that today, a day full of the usual, the norm, nothing out of the ordinary is the best kind of day!

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What makes you happy? What do you dream about? What makes you get up in the morning and keep doing what you do? What makes you feel most ALIVE?---Headless girl

Thank you Headless girl (and mom) for creating some questions that got me thinking too!

What makes me happy? Being together with my sons and husband, there is nothing like the warm fuzzies I feel when sitting on our old, mouse eaten couch watching anything on television with my three boys. Such a feeling of contentment that can only be felt and not described. As long as there is no arguing, I am perfectly content.

What do I dream about? My sons as grown men, who and what they will be. I also dream of the time my husband will find more time for us, when he finally will be able to relax and enjoy the life we have made. What my garden will be in full bloom; both as a metaphor for my family and literal as my summer garden starts to take root in my head. I also daydream about that children book I will write, the way my life will feel when everything is in place (of course that will never happen :) and my vision of what I want it to be.

What makes me get up in the morning and keep doing what I do? I have learned that at night when I go to bed I have to think of one project or event that I can look forward to working on or completing the next day. It may be cleaning a part of my house, creating something using my mind or my hands, it may be searching far and near for the perfect "whatyamacallit", whatever it is it will make me look forward to that day with arms wide open. Forget to plan this event and the dawning day can look dark and ominous.

What makes you feel most alive? Easy one.....Creating!!!!! Whenever I am creating, whether it be cooking, painting, writing, gardening, knitting, decorating, etc., I feel alive and connected to the core of who I am. My husband says each of us has our passion and that we must follow it to live a life fulfilling, my passion is creating and someday I hope to find out how I can make a living at it, lol.

The men in my life.

Today being Valentines Day has made me reflect on the different "love" styles as they relate to the men in my life:

My husband shows his love with gifts. He wants to shower me with riches and jewels. He saves and plans and instigates. I have learned this the hard way through twenty five years of marriage, by not appreciating the effort this takes and instead focusing on the cost or the impractibility of the gift........did you feel that lag in my typing? That is because I had to get up and answer the door for the bouquet of tulips that arrived (tulips being my favorite flower), even though we specially discussed it last night and I made him promise me NO FLOWERS!, I rest my case. My husband has learned a lot about me though the years, such as he knows I will huff and puff about the cost and impracticality of a gift and then turn around some time later to love it. The IPAD I now type on is one such example. He also has learned that my love language is one of service and thoughtfulness, so last night as we discussed the no flower rule he pulled out two scarves which he knows I love. Inexpensive, so to him not a real gift, yet thoughtful, so to me the best gift ever and that he saw them on a trip in advance of Valentines day and that he thought of me makes me warm and fuzzy.

My older son is all about showing the love. He is affectionate with hugs and kisses on a daily basis. He is the type that will greet you with open arms and come up behinds you and wrap his arms around you in a "just because" I love you hug. Several times a day I hear I love you with true warmth and sentiment. His openness and easy expression of his love is something that brings me joy every day.

My youngest son is just the opposite. Not only is he not openly affectionate, he hates any show of affection. An "I love you" to him is greeted with silence. Try to wrap your arms around him and he stiffens and tries to get away. Continue this type of unwanted assault and he will retaliate with a indignant "stop that". I guess that is why it is so sweet when he does show affection. Sitting on the couch I love the emotional warmth he gives me when he unexpectedly cuddles up beside me. Or the amazing feeling of his hand as it reaches for mine as we walk in a public place, it tickles me, dancing from connection to not, then back again.

I am blessed to have such different and unique love styles from the men in my life, my husbands love is like a fresh water pearl: unexpected and beautiful. My oldest sons is like a salt water pearl: consistent, smooth and perfect. My youngest son's love is like a black pearl: rare, yet breathtaking. Yes, truly blessed.

J

They still need their mothers.

Right now as I am sitting in the oral surgeons office, waiting for my eighteen year old to get his wisdom teeth out, I am reminded of so many times throughout the years that I have been in the same situation. Those long days sitting in the waiting room with a sick child trying to ease his fears about a shot or some unknown which the doctor might inflict upon him, or the times he has ended up in the emergency room with appendicitis, or stitches for a foot caught on a boat prop. As a mother my fears equal his, yet I am unable to show it because it is my job to ease his fears and walk him through it, so that he might gain the skills himself for the future.

Recently, knowing that he is a young man skilled in so many areas of his life and that he is quickly heading towards independence, I have found myself torn; glad on one hand that I have done my job well and sad on the other that my job is almost done. Today however, I realized that my job may be coming to an end, but that my role of mother is far from over. For today my sons eyes still searched for mine, just as he did years ago, when fear comes into the equation. When he was unsure of what is required or requested he referred to me to make the decisions. But most importantly, as I left him to the surgeon I gently touched his head, too old now to pull him on my lap and calm his fears, and I heard him sigh with relief.

I am proud that my son is turning into such an amazing man, yet glad that my simple touch still brings him such comfort.

Today I am blessed!!!!

I wonder sometimes if it us, our hormoneS, our brains, and our viewpoints that decide how we look at things or is the outside world that influences us most.

Today I have to assume it is us, or me to be more precise, because today, even though every thing is not peachy keen,(in fact far from it) I am happy.

My sister is struggling with the fact that her life might be shortened due to a cancer her body is fighting with all it's might, yet today I chose to overlook the fact that they found hot spots in her brain and that she will have radiation to eliminate them and instead I concentrate on the positive. The fact that it could be so much worse. They caught it early, it has not metastasized, she is young and her body can better fight it, and she will be around to welcome her first grandchild into the world:)Brings me hope for those days ahead.

Second I always worry about Keaton and today I am very at ease about him. Yesterday he went to a bday party with trepidation because they where going to Victoria Gardens, to walk around, something that makes him nervous because it is new. he had a blast and "laughed the whole time there". What was even more gratifying was the comments about Keaton from some of the parents at the BBQ afterward and the kids who he hung around with. They praised Keaton for his quick wit, his manners and his ability to make them laugh. The boys are ones from his soccer team a few years ago and are two to three years older then him, yet all I heard and saw from them was mutual respect and friendship. I have realized that I need to take keatons opinion more often. He knows the kids he fits in with and were he feels comfortable. Even though I know Keaton's I.Q. is high. I worry because of his inability to learn in the meaner that most kids do I worry that information we be lost to him. However I have seen how this week implementing the rigYht learning environment can allow Keaton to excel. I am so excited for his future and my abyility to see it clearly.

Lastly, today I got to spend some early morning time with Kellan as he got ready to go to the academic decathlon. Usually, it would make me realize how short amount of time we have together before he goes away to college. Today it just reminded me how lucky I have been to have him all these years. I enjoyed the fact that he still took my opinions to heart and was thankful for them. When he came home, he told me everything that occurred, just as he does everyday when he gets home from school, but sometimes I took take advantage of what a gift this is. Hearing him want to tell me all the details was like receiving a rare jewel. At the end he stated that his English teacher reminds him so much of me. When I asked him why he said she is smart, easy to talk to and a good listening and (this is Kellan) she is short.

Today I am so blessed.

Many things have resolved this week, some of which I never thought would be resolved, for this I am very grateful, but I also realize some things are just a part of my life, my brain wiring, and from these I may never be totally at ease.

This week I was directed by a friend to a blog of a woman whose daughter has NLD. She writes so eloquently and I feel her pain for I have felt it too, as a dr she knows the reality of her daughters disability, but as a mother she aches every day for her inability to make things better. Reading her blog has made me realize I am not alone and also has made me realize how lucky I am that Keaton is very dis-similar to her daughter. It got me thinking that perhaps Keaton's disability, which I know is caused by his hydro, may not be the typical NLD, but one that has more to do with hydro issues vs genetic. As I dug deeper and researched it more, I found that many drs feel the same way.

Imagine my surprise when I complimented her on her blog and mentioned that Keaton hydro had contributed to his issues, and she responded that she too had a son born with hydro. When discussing it further we realized that our stories from pg thru birth are almost exactly alike, down to what drs told us and how amazing our ysbo are doing now. They even both have hyper sense of smell and very easy gag reflexes. At first, I was sad that even though they were so much alike her son( who is several years younger then Keaton) has no issues, yet Keaton does. But as we continued our conversation, I realize that perhaps they are very similar and that she only compares him to her daughter and that her son is more normal then different. It made me see Keaton has more normal than different and I was able to finally put his issues in perspective. Learning will be harder for him, but he does not have many of the trade marks or severity of other kids with NLD. I now believe in Keaton's issues being more about how he learns, oral and verbal learner, and that he can learn anything if presented right and repeated enough. This can be seen in how quickly and well he is learning to fly.

She was also able to give me medical information, such as the fact that kids with ventriculomegaly(a term I have never heard of and different than hydro because it is just enlarged ventricles, with no genetic or physical reason why, which is what Keaton has), tend to do very well. She also led me to sites that shows that nothing I could have done would have contributed to it. A guilt that has been haunting me ever since Keaton's second grade teacher suggested it.

This revelation allows me to look at things different. Such as this week when Keaton's soccer coach gave him the award for most versatile player and awarded him the player who put forth the most effort, I was proud of him and felt the coach had gotten him just right. But Keaton was disappointed. Why? because he would have rather gotten the friendship award, which would mean he attracted friends "like magnets". Usually I would worry that he was having trouble with friendships, but this experience with Kris and her blog allowed me to see it in a different light. Keaton does make friends, true he is harder to get along with then some kids, due to his black and white personality and loud voice, but he is also easier then others. At the same age, his brother, who is Mr. Social today, also had the same difficulties.

Then,when Keaton was hurt, emotionally and physically, by someone he thought was a friend this week, I was able to go to the parents and express how hurt Keaton felt, when usually I would have questioned his involvement. This showed me how wrong I had been towards him. And when the parent of the other child started to blame Keaton, I could, with certainly, know that the story Keaton gave me was the truth.

So, even though this has brought me some piece of mind, I still realize that it is all on my shoulders to make sure Keaton succeeds in the goals he wishes to. The weight of making sure this happens and that I don't over do things, nor under do things is sometimes overwhelming. What is too much or what is not enough? This will always haunt me as teachers look at me in annoyance when I ask for extra information to help him. or even from himself when he would rather be out playing soccer then reading "that" story one more time to give him better comprehension.

So even though I have resolved so much, I still ache over my inability to make it better for Keaton, just like Kris does.

The Christmas Story

The "season" has come and gone and looking back I can say that although it was not the most enterprising year, it was the most relaxing year, due to a number of factors.

First, usually the day after Thanksgiving I start whining about getting the Christmas tree. We leave for Mammoth the day after Christmas and thus take it down Christmas night, so if I am going to put the work in by decorating it, I also want to enjoy it. But this year I decided not to push it. A week before Christmas my hubby asked me when we would get the tree, and I stated that we were not, due to the time constraints and the work involved. He stepped up to the plate and organized our tree expedition. The four of us rode the two tractors and hay wagon, down the middle of Archibald and picked out the cheapest, but still nice, tree we could find. It was a wonderful experience that I hope will become a tradition. When we got home hubby once again organized the troops and we decorated the tree, but we left the rest of the house bare.


The next thing I did that made life easier was that I started way in advance. I decided to make most of my Christmas presents this year. Even though we only buy, on my side of the family, for the person we picked, I decided to make some smaller gifts for those I wanted too. Several months in advance found me knitting hats for all the men in my life and even some that weren't, such as Kellan's teachers (who requested them after they saw Kellan's), and several of his friends. For the girls such as Fe, Jill, and Tina, I made braided knitted headbands (Fe wears hers every time I see her:) Keaton's pg teacher got knitted fruit hats for her twins, as did Michelle's baby "Nagashima". My handmade ornament this year was knitted chickens that went to all the kids. Handmade stitch markers went to all of the women in my mom's knitwit group and friends who knit such as Mary, Michelle and LaDonna. Sets of handmade cards were also a fun gift to give those who have everything. All these projects were made and wrapped, along with all the bought presents, several days in advance of Christmas. This years wrapping consisted of wrapping paper that looks like knitted garments in red and green along with homemade tags and ribbon.

A holiday free of stress also occurred in great part due to my hubby:), who took care of all the boys presents. Kellan received an iPad(as did I ), along with two large gift cards to REI and the bike store, along with some smaller presents, which I bought. Keaton received the flight simulator, which he wrote a hundred times to Santa, a xbox 360, obtained with reward points from Marriots reward system and a fishing pole he has been coveting, along with some games which he and I can play together. Kev is the only one who did not make out like a bandit, in part because I could never be as extravagant as he, but also due to the fact that he buys what he wants, such as his second John Deere 1940B tractor that arrived recently from Iowa. Plus my husband is one of those unique people who enjoys showing his love through gifts, he just doesn't realize that he is the best gift of all.

Really the only stressful thing I tackled was at the last minute I decided to have Christmas eve dinner for all of our friends who have no place else to go, to tell the truth it was one of the best times we have had, filled with friends, kids, and laughter. I think it too might become a tradition.

So all in all it was one of the best Christmas seasons ever. Next year I would like to take the lessons I learned this year; letting go of perfection, allowing others to help, and starting in advance, and mesh it with past traditions which I have let go; such as more elaborate decorating, several small get togethers, and really remembering what the season is about.